Gender Creative Kids and the Parents Who Love Them: Where to Start
A Virginia play therapist on what gender creative actually means, when to worry (and when not to), and how to support your kid without pushing them in any direction.
When Your Kid Is Gender Creative: A Therapist's Guide for Parents Who Aren't Sure What to Do
It’s another late night of Googling after the kids have gone to bed. You’re not crazy for worrying, not failing for not already knowing this stuff, and you are most definitely not alone.
You are on a tender journey of gender creative parenting. You need advice, insight and guidance. You need a safe place to be unsure. You need real information and help with big decisions. I’ve supported many families through the process of discovering and celebrating a gender creative kid. This is the guide I wish I had when my child shared their identity with me.
What "Gender Creative" Actually Means
I am a Registered Play Therapist-Supervisor who has worked with children and families for 30 years. I’ve had the privilege of watching thousands of children engage in imaginative play during my play therapy sessions. One thing I can say for sure is that children are creative.
Young children who have permission to play what they want, dress up how they want, and express who they are to their parents don’t understand what gender means. They only understand that it feels good to be called Jacob, that they like to build towers, and they like to dress like their masculine mom.
Children naturally play with different ideas and identities. It’s the adults who freak out. And why wouldn’t we? We are put in charge of keeping our kids safe, and some people are very rigid, controlling and angry about bending gender norms. As if a pink tulle skirt was gonna hurt someone.
Gender creative parenting is a state of mind in which you liberate your child from the enforcement of these norms. Allowing your child to experiment is hard – it runs counter to our internalized practices of control and morality. But that’s what this is about. It’s not about diagnosing them, getting them tested, or deciding whether or not they are trans. It’s about supporting development in a fresh way that you’ve probably always believed in but are about to get really good at!
The Two Mistakes Well-Meaning Parents Make
Being a Sloth (Going too slow): Most parents hit a point in the journey where they simply freeze. It could be the first mention your child makes about their gender, it could be when you’re taking out the Christmas ornaments, or it could be when you look in the mirror and realize you never had the chance to consider your own true identity. We all go into slow motion when we are faced with unprocessed trauma, stress and confusion. It’s important to keep pace with your child as they communicate and show you who they are. When they wake you up at night to tell you they want barrettes – it’s time to get barrettes. Not in 2 months or 2 weeks, but tomorrow morning.
Monitor your hesitation around your child’s gender creativity. Well-meaning waiting communicates “this is wrong.” These are the moments to regulate through your own distress. Take care to pause, reflect, and get back in the game. Most of the work you do is going to be this washing machine cycle of noticing your own “crap.” Give yourself the gift of an affirming therapist as soon as you can. This helps you parent your gender creative child with presence and unwavering love consistently across their life.
Have conversations about gender, discrimination, bathrooms, bathing suits and toys. Educate and empower your child to understand racism, transphobia, sexism and other tough things. Kids are aware of these dynamics by age 2. Help them understand the complexity and have pride in who they are.
Being a Roadrunner/(Forecasting and catastrophizing): All too often, parents start panicking about things like hormones and surgery, when their 4-year-old simply wants to be Elsa for Halloween. Children become who they are slowly over time. For true mental health and emotional security, let this process unfold and be present for every magical moment. Try to redirect yourself when you start to fast forward in your mind. Give yourself grace, because this is exactly what our colonized world teaches you to do. Too many news stories saturate us with stats about bleak outcomes for gender creative and trans kids. If I could make all this fear and suffering make sense, I would put it in a file folder and write in black Sharpie across the front: “None of these things will happen to your kids if you simply support them.” It’s 100% true, and every research article worth reading confirms this consistently over time. Protecting your gender creative kid looks like letting them have hairstyles, names, toys, hobbies and friendships that are whatever gender expression they like. And, a protected gender creative kid is happy, healthy, believes in themselves, has friends, excels in school - and still loves Elsa. Check out this peer-reviewed research article on family acceptance (Ryan et al, 2010) as well the nice posters the Family Acceptance Project has made for us for guidance at a glance.
What Helps (and What Play Therapy Adds)
Let kids lead with how they want to play, who they like playing with, and they want to dress. Use the language they use. Just like their toddler-speak ended up naming their grandpa “Bampy,” it’s ok to let their preschool language describe their gender as “I’m a girl.” (And remember – this doesn’t mean they want to have XX chromosomes, a vagina or even a different name! We are staying with the simple, here). Don’t be silent, but don’t make it a Big Conversation either. Make it a normal one. Just like you talk about how they got scared at swimming lessons - talk about what interests them in their gender identity. Manage your own feelings so you can be present for theirs. Find your own support. For many parents, the work is yours, not your kid’s.
Play therapy with an affirming therapist helps you stay on the path of healthy development. A play therapist can help your child grow by playing restaurant, dressing up like a fashion show winner, and navigating disappointment when it’s time to go home.
Play therapy offers a space where your child can experiment with ideas and solutions without the pressure of behaving or playing acceptably. In here, they can have a gruesome battle between skeletons and soldiers. They can play a little too rough with plastic swords. A pretend picnic can turn into a disappointing disaster. Play therapy gives time and freedom for children to solve problems in ways that make sense to them. After five sessions of relentless defeat by a terrifying dragon, a child might team up with their therapist to make weapons with inventive powers – and finally have a chance to win. They can use art supplies, toys, figures, sand trays and literal space to make miniature versions of big life problems – and tackle it themselves in a safe way. Play therapists are watching, facilitating, and giving them a voice. And if none of this play seems about gender to you - or all of it does – you may be right!
When to Bring in a Therapist
Many kids run into bumps as they develop, and gender creative kids are no different. If you find that your child seems sad, is withdrawing, feeling worried or anxious, avoiding school and other activities, more clingy than usual, showing changes in their eating or sleeping, or is preoccupied about what others think about them, it’s a good idea to seek support from an affirming therapist. Affirming child and play therapy can focus on helping kids express themselves so that you can understand how to give them what they need.
Another reason to seek help is extended family or school creating friction that your child is feeling. Your therapist can work closely with you to problem-solve. This helps you know what to ask for and how to say it.
And finally, any time you are struggling or feeling unsure, I want you to find a great therapist. Ideally, this is a child and family therapist who understands parenting, child development and gender creativity. The best option is someone who can work with you and your child. This approach will wrap you in support and knowledge, giving you the reassurance that you have help on all fronts. It’s so easy to get in your head about gender. You want to bring those thoughts into an adult space, so you can focus on bike rides and creek walks when you get home.
A Note on Doing This in Virginia
Finding affirming clinical care in Virginia is doable. While this is still a specialized area of care, there are more therapists getting trained in working with gender expansive kids who talk openly about their affirming approach. My child and play therapy office is located in Henrico, Virginia and I support gender creative kids, parents and their families virtually across Virginia as well.
Getting connected to the local LGBTQ+ community is extremely important, often free, and fun. There’s lots of evidence that spending time with others who share similar experiences boosts your health and your mental health. You will also get practical tools and tips from these relationships - how to find a therapist, books on specific topics, where to get gender-affirming haircuts, summer camps, etc. My favorite resources for LGBTQ+ parenting and gender creative kids in Virginia are He She Ze and We and Rainbow Families. Please check them out and tell them I sent you. <3
The best part of parenting a child who is gender expansive or gender non-conforming is that they will push you to live authentically in ways you never would have pushed yourself. You’re doing better than you think. If you’d like a therapy partner in this, I’d love to hear from you.
